No more toilet paper

Q. What separates the dodo from the GP?

A. Best guess: around 350 years.

We are about to witness the predictable crash of the general practitioner – someone who has been relevant for some 300 years.

…Dodo ‘dead’ 1681.

More exactly, we are witnessing the crash now. The art of medicine – held in the clutch of a population of greedy, power-hungry doctors (political view) – is soon to be wrestled from them by a heady mix of technology, precision medicine, new entrepreneurs, and tragic billionaires.

Our Saline Valley smarties will prevail (silicon is so outdated and medically unacceptable).

The climate of change is upon us.

Just as the orthopaedic surgeons will lose their ability to control their incomes by the advancement of an evolved stem cell technology they cannot see, general practitioners will be replaced sooner rather than later with an avatar in holographic form – that will hover above our 6G cellular phones in an ever-magnetic dance that fascinates – whilst monetising your wishes in exchange for everlasting health.

You will have choice of who controls your life; for me, it’s House on weekdays and Mickey Mouse on weekends.

Even nurse practitioners, the jewel (of medicine going forward) in the health ministry’s tiara, will vanish.

A myriad of platforms and apps will turn the art of medicine into the science that it is. Implanted devices will monitor a selectable range of biomarkers and bioelectrical measures that will control the interior milieu through algorithms adapting, in real time, to the variations and vagaries of your genetic code.

Stress, my fellow human, will be a feeling of the past as a surge of synthetic glutamate antagonists are titrated into your mind. If you pay enough, you can avoid synthetics and use EMF (Electromotive Force) from an internal implanted generator.

The implantables will measure blood levels of medications that will either be delivered into your body in monthly or yearly aliquots, or even never(!) as the origins of disease are quelled at birth.

Direct feedback will control the release of these and you will no longer have to suffer the indignity of swallowing a pill to keep you from being ill.

Implanted miniaturised stool analysers will balance our bio to perfection, determining our food choices to create the best composting environment possible for you, and we will all create the perfect Bristol Stool Scale Type 4.

NO MORE TOILET PAPER.

Pruritus ani forever a thing of the past.

Miniaturised micro arrays, always online, will monitor abnormal and unwanted RNA (RiboNucleic Acid – single-stranded chain of cells involved in virus information and sometimes genetic information) and DNA (DeoxyriboNucleic Acid – double-stranded chain of cells that contain genetic information) fragments that course your veins – instantly detecting cancers and baddies. Decisions to treat will be made in an instant; the treatments will be controlled and delivered or even built on site through implanted smart printers. That decision will be based on science and as the dear extinct doctors once said too often; “it’s viral”.

Stand aside, Flash Gordon.

John Cook, Extinct GP.